NATALIJA HAYTERPSYCHOTHERAPY & COUNSELLINGWhy do you react the way you do when someone you love pulls away, or comes too close? Attachment theory, one of the most robust ideas in psychology, offers an answer rooted in our earliest relationships.
The core idea
The bonds we formed with early caregivers shaped a template for how safe it feels to depend on others. That template tends to persist into adult relationships, influencing how we handle closeness, conflict and reassurance.
The patterns
Broadly: secure attachment, where closeness feels safe and independence comfortable; anxious attachment, where there is a fear of abandonment and a need for reassurance; avoidant attachment, where closeness feels threatening and independence is over-valued; and disorganised, a painful mix of the two, often rooted in early trauma. Most people lean toward one, especially under stress.
Patterns can change
The hopeful part: attachment style is not a life sentence. Through self-understanding and, powerfully, through experiencing a different kind of relationship — including the therapeutic one — people move toward "earned security". Recognising your pattern is the first step to no longer being run by it.
Natalija Hayter is a BABCP-registered psychotherapist with over a decade of clinical experience across the NHS, the voluntary sector and private practice, trained at the Tavistock and AGIP. She offers CBT, psychoanalytic and relational therapy in Pimlico, London and online, in English, Latvian and Russian. More about Natalija
Last reviewed: June 2026 by Natalija Hayter, BABCP-registered psychotherapist.